Letting Half-Love Leave

I noticed when he walked away this time, he didn’t see he was abandoning himself more than he was abandoning me. He didn’t see it but for the first time, I did.  In the past I would be distraught and confused, consumed with ache and anxiety and self-loathing at his leaving. 

How to be Good at LifeWhen you hit the absolute breaking point, what do you do? 

What I do, and what I want to do, are sometimes very different things.

The pressures of parenting and life and generally holding it all together can be too much sometimes.

People say, when you are overwhelmed, focus on gratitude.

*** Trigger warning, discussion of rape. Details changed for privacy.

She sat in the corner chair in my office. It’s the chair everyone in deepest pain chooses. It feels safe there, with a wall on each side.

** There are all kinds of depression in men and women. This particular post is geared for struggling moms. I meant to write this as a short piece, because moms have no time, but there was too much to say, because depression is hard.

Imposter syndrome.  Do you have it?  I do. Or well, I did, I used to, but it’s getting better now.  The more I find and claim my worth, the more I feel, internally, that what I have to say matters, and that others take me seriously, too.

Check the Boxes

Ever since I put my book “F*ck That,” out into the world, people have been reaching out to me with one common theme: fear, and running from it, and wanting to stop.

It doesn’t take much to make a difference The intersection was precarious. It was a “Y” where if you went left it took you the long way into town, past the lake and the ominous-yet-magnificent Catholic Church that sat high above Lake Memphremagog, the lake that bridges us with Canada.

This piece is written by Gabrielle Kerson, an old dear friend. Since writing my book and beginning this blog, friends send me pieces of writing often. I love the unintended consequence that sharing my writing, attempting to be vulnerable and bring people together, has allowed others to feel safe sharing their thoughts and feelings and (really good) writing, with me. It is an honor, and I love it so much.

I was just thinking about how far I’ve come.

I remember the fear

So much fear

Should I get divorced?

Should I stay?

When I was twenty, I knew I wanted to have a healthy relationship.

I wanted to do everything “right”

I thought if I could be honest and open and kind and giving, if I was a good listener, if I did everything in my power to please my partner, then there would be no way for the relationship to fail.

I didn’t notice my thinking and behavior was codependent, people pleasing, self-sacrificing.

I had no boundaries.

What are ACES? ACES are Adverse Childhood Experiences. Studies are showing that the higher the number of specific types of adverse childhood experiences you have had, the greater the risk of having a challenging adult life- either with Substance Misuse, abusive and/or toxic relationships, difficulty succeeding professionally, or suffering from mental health disorders such as …

When I first discovered the concept of attachment theory, I was amazed. I had never thought of it in such a way before. Attachment, in my mind, wasn’t a theory, it was just one thing- one feeling, not a series of reactions based on our history and childhood experiences.

I spent today delivering compost from my farm, to another new farm nearby.

A few loads of such rich compost made from the chickens, pigs, and cows I used to raise.

Who ever would have predicted that forgetting my wallet would land my sons car in the pond?

True story.

I left for work early, hustling.

I felt like something was missing from my usual pile of phone wallet laptop but… it didn’t occur to me that my trusty little wallet was not there.

“Narcissism is self-love without love of others.” -Vishen Lahkiani

I love it described this way. This word, used so commonly (and often incorrectly) today.

Couples break up and say the other one is the narcissist. Spears thrown back and forth.

What does a healthy relationship look like? Well for me, it’s knowing that tonight I have to go to a conference, and my partner is going to take my kids out to dinner and spend time with them, and get them out the door for school on time tomorrow morning.

We resist what we don’t understand. But you know what’s cool? When you start to awaken. When you start to wake up. Obviously I didn’t know it at the time, in fact I thought I was very much awake, and trying to break cycles.

We resist what we don’t understand. But you know what’s cool? When you start to awaken. When you start to wake up. Obviously I didn’t know it at the time, in fact I thought I was very much awake, and trying to break cycles.

When things feel calm, do you start to scramble?

I used to, and still do sometimes, but now I recognize it. When you are so used to chaos or catastrophe or just trying to make it through day to day things, having something go right feels downright scary.

Parenting Teenagers… with Coffee and Dog Shit.

I grabbed a coffee and headed for the living room, blissfully unaware of the shit waiting for me there.  This was my daily ritual of early morning solace: coffee and quiet on the couch, with a fuzzy blanket and the sunrise.